13 Reasons Why- A review from a suicidal teen

MV5BYTFmNzRlNWYtMmFmNi00ZTFiLWJhODgtOGM5ODQ5NTgxZWUwL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTExNDQ2MTI@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_ I know everyone is raving about 13 Reasons Why. Me being suicidal and severely depressed wasn’t sure on whether I should watch it or not due to all the triggering claims and warnings but to be honest nothing really triggers me as my mind is constantly feeling the same way anyways so I thought ”why not? I couldn’t possibly make me feel any more worse about myself” and watched all the episodes within 2 days. I felt quite critical throughout most of it and the way mental health was portrayed but by the end of the season my mind still did not change the way I felt/feel about myself. I don’t know what I expected…maybe I thought if I watched a show about a dead girl who feels similar to how I feel that I would all of a sudden have my mind realize that I don’t actually want to die and wanting to get better and seek help. I still want to die. None the less it was a good show and its weird to see Hannah kill herself in a similar way to what I tried to do in 2015 (but failed miserably and was rushed to A&E). Sigh. Yeah if you get easily triggered I wouldn’t watch it. I know a lot of people would be against me watching it but I watched it out of my own choice and I didn’t watch it to get further inspired about killing myself or whatever. I watched it to get an understanding of how my head works seeing someone else go through similar situations. And yeah even though Hannah is a fictional character she put how I feel into words better than I ever could. I also hope that my school teachers and other school teachers watch this show. As my school is so crap and don’t even have a school councilor! And whenever I complained to the ‘Safe Guarder‘ of the school she only tells me to stop overthinking and sends me back to lesson. As I probably have said in previous blogs ‘no one really cares until your dead and even after death your forgotten about quickly.’ That’s the harsh truth of reality but that can all change if people like teachers that see students everyday notice the warning signs and actually attempt to help.

 

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It’s me again

Hi, it’s me again. I’m back after two weeks of not writing *ranting* about my messed up self.

I had Easter half term, meaning two whole weeks of staying at home and not being able to hide away in school.  Let me just start with nothing has changed. I’m still depressed, angry at the world and myself, thinking of a million ways to kill or hurt myself. URGH!

The thing is I know I do have some people that care about me.. but at the same time my brain tells me I have no one at all. Anyway’s today at school I got shouted at again. Great. I got shouted at for coming into school late the last few days. That’s because every morning so far I’ve run away for a bit to get away from everything. Everything is too overwhelming. My depression and especially eating disorder feels like a full time job. I have no time for school. Even though I want to pass my last year of sixth form and leave… I’m too exhausted focusing on my mental health and emotional problems. Now being 18 I no longer do the kids counselling that i used to do. I see no councilor or therapist or anyone at the moment. I have no help from anyone really. Which makes dealing with my problems harder and more exhausting I guess but if I was to tell someone that I’m depressed, anorexic/bulimic and suicidal, I would just be sent to A&E again…… That’s why its better for me to keep my problems hiding and my damn mouth shut.

PROOF that I have been feeling this way for too long

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You know what really sucks? When you find old pictures that you have drawn over the last 2 years and then you realize how long you have been feeling the same damn way. I was going through an old journal of mine which was supposed to be a notebook for school. However me being so easily distracted all the time, I ended up doodling pretty much the things that go through my head daily. The fact that these pictures are so old makes me feel even worse about the person I have allowed myself to become. Some people thought that the way I feel is just a phase. NO ITS NOT. I have tried so many times to be happy but something In my damn brain keeps stopping me. If this is a phase then this must be a long one because I have been this messed up for God knows how many years.

I know everyone keeps saying that things will get better in time but WHEN. For the last 5 years of my life my brain has been playing tricks with me, I have lost pretty much all my friends and most of my family favor my sister over me because she isn’t damaged like me.

I never chose to be depressed, to have an eating disorder, to get anxious, have panic attacks, be socially awkward. I never chose not to be normal. The only thing I did choose to do was self harm, it’s the only thing (besides sleeping) that can numb the pain for a while.

I ask myself everyday how my life would have been if I wasn’t so messed up in the head. Maybe I would have better grades. Maybe I would be planning to go to a top university for September this year instead of having to pick foundation courses as my A-level grades suck. Maybe I would have carried on with singing and would have gotten some recognition for my voice. Maybe I would be deeply in love. All these other routes I could have went on but instead I got sucked down the path of self-destruction, depression and self loathe.

Blank and Numb

I no longer have the motivation to do anything.

I can’t focus in school that I have to skip lessons and lock myself away in a toilet stall and fall asleep.

I can’t handle conversation without feeling as if its an effort to speak. My words seem to be slurring and my voice seems to be becoming quieter.

I don’t want to do anything besides staying in bed being asleep all day. I wake up every morning thinking about how much I am looking forward to finishing the day so I can get back to sleep.

Sleeping is my escapism. But I can’t even seem to do sleeping right thanks to my insomnia.

I just want to go into an eternal sleep. Where I can be free from all the pain.

School’s should talk about Mental Health?

It really bugs me that school’s don’t teach kids about mental health.

I feel like when schools can finally see students as mature enough to handle the ‘puberty talk’ assembly’s or talking to students about sex then students should be able to be taught about mental illness.

I’m not sure if this is accurate or not but I heard that 1 in 4 people are affected with some sort of mental illness during their lifetime.

In a standard class of 30 students (I failed maths twice so correct me if I’m wrong) that’s 9 students that will be affected by a torturous condition! I don’t see why it should be a subject kept quite. I feel like If I was taught about mental health and the warning signs of a few illness then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so deep into my eating disorder, or depression and could of asked for help earlier if I noticed that what I was thinking, feeling and doing isn’t right and normal.

I know that not everyone would agree with what I am saying. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and this is mine. And I think that school’s should treat mental illness just like a physical one. And that it should be talked about freely, not shamefully hidden away.

 

Failure To The system

I have failed at this thing called life.

Why couldn’t I follow the system like everyone else?

Teenage years is the years of discovering who you are, what you want to be and devoting your time to education. But  I don’t seem to be on track like everyone else. I just about passed my GCSE’s, pretty much failed my first year of A-Levels, now I’m on my 2nd and final year before I am supposed to go to university as part of following the system but I have pretty much been told almost precisely 10 minutes ago that I will fail 1 of the A-Level’s that I am doing which is Media Studies. The other one which is English Literature I gave up with after the first year as my head can’t seem to leave behind the GCSE format of writing and also because my teacher singles me out and gets angry at me whenever I am social anxious and refuse to speak or have a panic attack in her lesson. So now the only A-Level I thought I could get I am also supposingly doomed to fail. UGH.

Don’t even get me started about university. I missed the first round of deadlines to apply which means if I apply now I’ll be at the back of the application pile. The only reason I haven’t applied yet is

  1. I have no money.
  2. My dad is no help as he practically hates me and has made it clear he doesn’t care about my future.
  3. I have no idea what course I want to do as I wanted to do Drama combined with music but since my drama teacher kicked me out of drama because he ”saw my mental health conditions as an issue” (He used that as an excuse because he hated me for no reason and other students even complained about the way he bullied me)
  4. What makes it even harder is that I failed GCSE math’s twice in a row which means there is even more limited options for me as most university’s what you to have at least a pass in English and Maths.

*I can feel my anxiety creeping up on me writing this lol*

Seriously though, I have so many problems going on in my head that education is the last thing on my mind. Normal teens (well at least the teens in my college) all seem to be thinking about looking forward to going to Uni and passing A-Levels and getting their first jobs etc.. when all I seem to be thinking about is how much I hate the world, how much I hate myself, how much the world hates me, how I play a meaningless role in this world, how I should just die already because I am a defect to the system. I am the runt in the litter.

 

Am I even alive?

118bc46d670b648c1dc0a48aa431e308The old me has now completely gone and left the body that I am in. I thought that there would be some chance of getting her back. The girl who used to dream of being a famous singer, with high ambitions and hopes for the future. The girl who would say hello to strangers and ask how their day was. The girl that used to be surrounded by friends and the sounds of laughter. Now its as if I am just an emotionless  unresponsive body that is walking further and further into darkness. I am full of negative and overwhelming emotions that only seem to be growing and multiplying in number.

I don’t know why I feel this way!

I had such a great life until my mum died,then came the voices filling my head calling me UGLY FAT STUPID LOSER LOW-LIFE WHALE CRAZY IDIOTIC LONER DISGUSTING, my family and friends not giving one s*it about me.

I have no one. I am alone.

I am an empty body walking amongst the living.

 

I’m actually happy today!

It’s a bit early in the day but I am sort of feeling happy today! I have no reason to be happy but I am! I’m just having a bit of a lazy day today as I have a really bad headache which is probably due to not eaten properly in the last two weeks but besides that I’m feeling pretty alright!

Nothing really else to say just thought I’ll let everyone know that If I can have a good day then YOU can too!

 

I am Suicidal

I am suicidal. 

I don’t believe that I should live. It’s as if I don’t fit in with this world. No matter how hard I try to fit in, I just can’t. I can’t seem to make friends in school, I find myself wondering the halls by myself to pass time during break times or locked away in one of the old toliet stalls. It’s almost the same at home. I don’t fit in. My sister and dad have a close and strong sort of connection and relantionship. Whilst I’m distant from them both. Very very distant.

I have no friends. No true friends at least. I have a few friends who might pop up out of the blue and either ask for money or to talk about a guy they just met etc… no one that genuine wants to get to know me or talk to me , meet up or anything. Some people feel alone even when surrounded by friends and family that love them but I am literally alone. I have no one. And every person I seem to start to develop a friendship with leaves me for someone better or cooler. 

I know I have health issues wrong with me but I am a nice person. I will pour out my heart to someone, being shy I’m very good at the trait of listening, I would never judge if someone had problems of their own. I feel like I have so much love to give but no one to give it to.

I might as well die. Clearly there’s so many faults in me that people can’t seem to overlook. Maybe I’m so messed up that I can’t be fixed. Maybe I should disappear. It’s not like anyone would care. No one would care because I have no one in the first place.

I’m scared of myself. I know what I am capable of, what my mind is capable of making me do. 

I don’t think I’ll be here much longer.

….

….

I won’t be here much longer…

please help me.

Lately I feel like my eating disorder has taken more control over me than all the other problems that I have. I don’t know what exactly the feeling is or why I do it but something in my head keeps telling me that if I starve for perfection and get smaller and smaller that everything will turn out alright. That the smaller I get the happier I’ll be and the more everyone else will start to like me again.

I’m fully aware that what my brain is telling me isn’t normal or right but at the same time its the only voice that shows that it cares for me. I just want to be happy again. I need to be happy again. I know that if I don’t fix all this that I will die. Whether that would be from my eating disorder or depression that will drive me to commit suicide. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. It feels like everyone is having a go at me lately too, my dad (especially), Nan and Aunt have all be commenting on my eating. They don’t understand that it makes me feel worse and even more unwilling to eat. It motivates me to starve myself even more. I honestly don’t know how to cope with everything that has been going on lately. Please please please just someone… anyone.. Help Me…